White (Trash) Power!

As a snob, I have little use for the typical NASCAR-watching, foam-hat-wearing, tract-house-dwelling American lump. I find such people to be boorish, clownish, and largely incapable of rational thought.

And the upper crust of the Republican Party feels the same way that I do. They detest the average American.

However, at least I’m not going around pretending to be a friend of the common man. I’m open about my better-than-thou attitude, which is one of the many reasons you will never see me running for any political office. The same can’t be said for the typical GOP “representative”. He or she lies about his or her feelings towards the people who elect them. Republican politicians pretend that they are “just plain folks”, working for the best interests of the average truck-drivin’, bass-fishin’, wage-earnin’ Sam and Susie, when in reality most of them are the same slimeball car dealers, bank managers, and lawyers who make their livings ripping Sam and Susie off.

Attention, Walmart shoppers: if you ever want to have any real political power, you are going to have to quit voting for the Republican Party. You are going to have to elect someone like yourselves — a dumb, snake-handling hick with a smooth line of BS and enough native animal cunning to take the Smart Guys on and win. You need a combination of Larry the Cable Guy and John Dillinger, some guy who drinks Lite beer, has eight kids by six mothers, and can fix a truck while drunk. You need Lester, Leroy, Lonnie, or Bubba up there in Congress.

Of course, if this happens, the Average Joes will just turn the country into a larger version of the trailer parks they all come from, but I’d rather see them ruin things in their smelly, grotesque, all-too-human way than watch America engineered into a gulag by a bunch of pseudo-intellectual affirmative action cases and the hyper-rich cyborg capitalist slime who pull their strings.

Only the raw, unwashed force of White Trash can destroy the two-party structure that runs America. As a card-carrying snob, I exhort the average American to seize the reins of power. Rise from your fetid, piss-reeking, crumb-encrusted living room couches, Walmart shoppers, and smash the state!